Ancient Moves: Ancient Movies

My mother used to tell me that if you can’ t say something nice, better to not say anything at all. Do they send mothers to mother-school so they will all tell their children these things?

Me in high school, walking out the door in typical teen clothing: Bye, Mom!

Mom, shouting from another part of the house without looking: You are not going out in public looking like that are you?

Me pausing at the door, mumbling a smart-alecky reply that – if heard - will get me grounded for the rest of the semester: Mblxmaofoiajef…

The nice thing, I suppose, about the movie 100,000,000 B.C. is that it is available on Netflix, and so it technically cost me nothing to watch it. I say technically, because if it was the only movie I watch all month, it cost me $14.95. But – if you are like me, and watch movies on DVD on fast-forward just to get them back in the mail and swapped for a new one – you’re watching 75 to 80 movies a month, just like me. Averaged out, they’re practically free.

There was a previous movie starring then-hottie Raquel Welch called One Million Years B.C., but Director Griff Furst (his real name) could not be satisfied with a simple million, what with inflation and all. In 100-Million B.C. (I get tired of all the zeroes), time-travelers go so far back in the past that they cross the believable-barrier.

The premise is (I’m still saying nice things, aren’t I?) that shortly after World War II, a prodigy-science-kid invents a way to travel through time, and sends a group – including his older brother – back in time. Way back. Way, waaaaaaay back.

Oops! Equipment trouble, and they can’t return to the present. So, the prodigy-science-kid spends the next 60 years refining his invention to rescue his time-lost brother. A crack team of Navy Seals enters the machine and shoots back in time to find the previous party – who haven’t aged a bit.

In fact, the only thing about the WWII vets that ages is their clothing, and not in terms of wear. The wartime duds have somehow transformed into spaghetti-strap blouses (on the women) and other non-military wear, that have held up amazingly, despite having been worn every day of every year since the failed experiment sent them back. I won’t even mention the difference in women’s undergarments (visible in the movie) when comparing today with WWII, the stuff YOUR GRANDMOTHER WORE! Think about it. Thongs? That’s what your grandmother wore on her feet. You know, flip-flops. That’s right.

It never ceases to amaze me how much money can be thrown into a movie. I always wonder when watching movies like these, if the people involved believed they were creating high entertainment.

100,000,000 B.C. is fun, even if only for the slow-mo chuckles. It’s a laugh to watch the little computer-generated cave-people perform 30-foot vertical leaps to get to safety. (Did they think we wouldn’t notice?) And when the two women jump out of the hovering helicopter, couldn’t they find some pillows or mattresses and film a real jump? The little computer-characters look so much like Mario Bros. effects, you half expect to see a running game score total in the corner of the screen.

It is nice that there is work for Christopher Atkins (Blue Lagoon 1980) and Michael Gross (television’s dad to Michael J. Fox on Family Ties), and a training ground for special effects creators. The big dinosaurs are actually pretty well articulated. It’s just the little details that seemed to have slipped.

It may be in the year’s Top-10.

(Movies to freeze-frame and slow-motion.)